


Closet Affairs

by Alessariel



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon Divergence, Drabble, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Shepard's unmentionables, attempted humour, mischievous Kasumi, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alessariel/pseuds/Alessariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a silly little short about pre-relationship Kaidan catching Kasumi going through Shepard’s clothes at the party. Things happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closet Affairs

Kaidan isn't sure how he ended up in Shepard's closet. It may have been the random clothes floating through the air that perked his interest. The party is in full swing downstairs, but up here it's nice and quiet.

Kaidan eyes the bottle in his hand. Ice-chilled Canadian lager. He'd been touched that Shepard had remembered to get some. He takes a thoughtful sip of his beer. Nope, he's pretty sure that he's not yet drunk enough to hallucinate things. Which leaves only one explanation.

"What are you doing, Kasumi?"

The master thief fades into view, her back to him. She doesn't even bother turning around while de-cloaking. 

"What does it look like?" Her voice is muffled because her upper body is deeply submerged into one of Shepard's cupboards. 

Kaidan has to ponder that for a couple of moments. Alright, so he may be slightly drunk.

"It looks as if you're going through Shepard's closet. Either that, or you're trying to find the way to a magical land." There's a throaty chuckle from the untold depths of the cupboard and Kaidan guesses that's all the confirmation he's gonna get.

Curiously, he takes a step closer. He's never been in here before. Somehow, a closet seems even more private than a bedroom. This crazily huge apartment has three and Kaidan's yet to find out which one Shepard actually uses for sleeping. He digs the hot tub, though. Maybe after two or three more bottles of this fine brew he'll have enough courage to try it.

"Find anything interesting in there?"

Normally, Kaidan would never ask such a question. Normally, he'd never consider stepping into Shepard's closet, looking at Shepard's stuff. Normally, he'd never allow himself fantasies of Shepard in that hot tub. That crush he's got on Shepard is several years, at least four dramas and one death beyond awkward and well into the realm of 'not even funny anymore'.

"Meh. Just junk. Nothing worth blackmailing him over." The reply is even more muffled than before and Kaidan has to step closer to understand what Kasumi's saying at all. "Catch." is all the warning he gets, then something hits him squarely in the face. He just barely manages not to drop the beer in surprise as he grabs the fabric and draws it off. It's a salmon dress shirt.

Kaidan blinks at it for a couple of moments, then carefully sets the beer aside, holding the shirt up for closer inspection. The colour is rather horrible, and the collar has ruffles. He can't imagine Shepard wearing this, ever.

"That's the best I've found so far." Kasumi emerges from the cupboard, smirk flashing from underneath the hood. She opens the next one and stares at a row of blue fatigues, all neatly pressed, all exactly the same. 

"Damn, where are the embarrassing reindeer sweaters, the highschool suits, the silly halloween costumes? I know he's got to have some secrets stashed away somewhere."

"Well, he did only move in, you know." Kaidan comments mildly, taking a hanger out of the open drawer and neatly putting the horrible dress shirt away.

"That man is far too upstanding and noble to be true. He's got to have some skeletons in the closet and I'm on a quest to find them. If you want to get to know a guy go through his closet, is my motto." Kasumi slams the door and opens the next one. She whistles suddenly, gleefully.

"Bingo! Found it!"  
"What did you find?"  
  
Kaidan can't help it, he 's just too curious. He steps closer. Kasumi pulls out something small and black and holds it up triumphantly for inspection.

"His undies!"

Kaidan blushes as he stares at the black and red boxer short, complete with the N7 logo. His mouth goes dry as he involuntarily imagines Shepard next to the hot tub, wearing nothing but that.  
  
"Uh... Kasumi, I think it's really not proper to go through the Commander's unmentionables ..."  
"Stuff it, Alenko. I happen to know for a fact that you're interested in his unmentionables and their very mentionable content."

Kaidan feels his jaw drop, the blush intensifying and all but proclaiming "Guilty!" in big bold letters.  
"I... uh... I've never ... er ... that is..."

"Would you look at that. All of his boxers are either N7 or alliance branded. Damn, military brass really means it when they say they own your ass, huh?"  
"Kasumi ..."

"Oh look! Here's actually some briefs with Cerberus logos. And what's this ... ohohoho..."  
She pulls out something very small and Kaidan can't help but stare, mouth agape, at the red leather thong. Complete with a big black star on the front.

Kasumi throws him a knowing look that flicks way down south for a second, then back up. She smirks.  
"Yeah, thought so, hotshot. Denial isn't working out so well when your little biotic's giving away just how much you like the thought of our fearless leader in this outfit, eh? Oh look, here's a matching one, in blue. Hold these for a sec, will you?" 

Kaidan suddenly finds himself with his hands full. The blue thong has a stylized white wing on it. He isn't sure what Chakwas will put on his death certificate, died of mortification or of fatal blood relocation.

Kasumi is already rummaging around the cupboard again. Kaidan doesn't dare to imagine what she's going to come up with next. Her manic grin is giving him the creeps.

"Alenko, look, this one's got your name all over it."

Kaidan finally manages to pull himself together, enough for at least some semblance of sanity.  
"Kasumi, this is really inappropriate. Quit teasing me!"  
"Nah, mate, I mean it, it really has your name on it. Major K. Alenko, look. Nice blue, by the way, fits the armour." She emerges with a pair of blue boxer shorts that Kaidan is surprised to recognize as his own.

"Interesting. Kind of makes you wonder how these might have ended up in Shepard's closet, eh?"

"Wh... huh... but how... why would he ..."

"Kaidan? What are you doing here ... oh."

Kaidan freezes, eyes widening. Shepard's raspy low voice does all kinds of indecent things to his inebriated anatomy. He desperately turns around, but knows it's too late trying to hide what he's got in his hands and pants. There's not a trace of Kasumi to be seen. Somehow, Kaidan isn't surprised.

"Shepard, I ... um ... this really isn't what it looks like ..."

"That's a pity, because I quiet like what this looks like." Shepard eyes the thongs, then Kaidan, then the very obvious bulge in Kaidan's pants. Those blue eyes should be illegal, galaxywide, Kaidan thinks weakly.

Shepard closes the door to the closet and closes in on Kaidan. 

Inside the cupboard, among Shepard's 'unmentionables', Kasumi tries to find a comfortable position, then settles back. She's got a feeling that she'll be here for a while, but she doesn't mind.

Mission accomplished.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, look, I don't even ...
> 
> Oh to hell with it, I regret nothing.


End file.
